Journal.

It's interesting how words can be so subtle yet so distinct from innocent. I pride myself; even if just pretending, that I have valuable thoughts and challenging rhyme. I wouldn't call this a diary, but if it were one, would you want to know my secrets or my story? Or maybe you'd choose the pretense of oblivion; easy, blissful...haunting?

The breeze is odd; comfortably warm with just a touch of blissful cold; it's confusing. I imagine it gets lonely at night. Sailors and pirates lost as sea; but this is indeed the magical illusion of it all, is it not? I imagined a similarity between the sea and the sky; the truth is that they feel completely different. We search for a warm glow to share because there's safety in numbers.

Seeking independence is to be immersed in darkness to sincerely recognise the light. And in all honesty, it's very lonesome and frightening. And we are naive; especially to think we'll grow out of it because the fact of the matter is, we never will. Ya don't get used to it either. Acceptance may just prove to be as sinful as a lie or denial. Insight and inspiration are whispering ghosts and those memories..you'll never get used to it. But happiness? That's real.

Excerpt (2.)

Fell. Falling..falling...fallen. Did death recognise gravity? She felt the weight press down on her; opposing her. She couldn’t tell if it was gravity or her own heavy heart. Black. That was all she knew; if her eyes were open and seeing, she knew not. She couldn’t decide if she was floating or drowning or if she was hanging by a thread, like a meaningless puppet. She contemplated the idea of the string; the rope, the thread holding on to her, what it was made of or whether she was holding on to it. She wondered of time, wondered how long she had been aimlessly pondering; wondering if she hit the target, or was the target; but couldn’t for the life of her decide what the target was. Maybe her clock broke...she pictured spirals and fancy patterns. Maybe life is just an illusion, a hypnosis our mind couldn’t overpower. Maybe life’s simply a picturesque, puzzling mosaic upon God’s bedroom wall.

Or maybe...her clock stopped.

She was dropped, plunging into purple; deep violet.

“Come sit by my side if you love me

Do not hasten to bid me adieu

I’ve been thinking a long time my darling,

Of the sweet words you never would say.

Now alas, must my fond hopes all vanish

For they say you are going away.

They will bury me where you have wandered,

Near the hills where the daffodils grow”

She awkwardly sang the broken lines of ‘The Red River Valley’. Her face was dead; stoic, expressionless. Her lips, her dry lips quivered. Her face; stony and frozen.

Seated by the edge, the winds blew, her white dress flowed. She looked into the water with the moon creeping behind her. The jet black hair that framed her pale face, complimented her beady black eyes. She stared at the reflection for quite a while. The only reaction she had to the image she saw was moving back a little with those eyes fixed upon the reflection; as if perplexed. She was about to understand...about to see, but her attention snapped immediately to a moving object on her right.

A red, red rose. It lay on the ground near her; thrown to her. She vaguely saw the man in the midst of all the trees and darkness. She picked it up and smelt it.

As soon as the scent assaulted her nasal cavity, her eyes enlarged..mouth agape, expression; shock, fear broke into her face; infiltrated her every pore. Her hands were shaking; fear. Her frightened fingers were pierced by the thorns of the rose; pain. The last thing she remembered was her blood; how it seemed like shiny, thick droplets of not red, but black...poison. That was when she saw it splashed upon the petals of the rose her fingers held..the white rose.

The same man who threw Iyda the rose picked her up and pushed her lifeless body into the water; into the Red River Valley.

What the water gave me.

Got a phone call last night and I began to feel optimistic again, after what felt like a lifetime. Tomorrow we'll discuss our project and hopefully we'll act out this promising endeavor. On the other hand; a job. Yes..a job. I have to say, I'm very scared yet excited. I'm unsure. I'm going to jump. I should. I will. Here's  to hoping I get that job. I guess I'll find out tomorrow..As long as the water flows, I'll drink and if it's stagnant, I'll search for another water body.

Being an individual vs. Being alone..

Do you hide behind anonymity or do you secretly wish for an audience..for someone to listen with the thirst with which you seek to quench?

But oh, my love, don't forget me

Though I let the water take me

Let's find new ways to fall apart, Baby.

“Between the drinks and subtle things

the holes in my apologies

you know I'm trying hard to take it back

so if by the time the bar closes

and you feel like falling down

I'll carry you home”

The Great.

“We look high and low for God, but somehow He's not there. So we blame Him and tell ourselves that He must have forgotten us. Or else we decide that He left us long ago, if He was ever around."
"How strange," the little fish said, "to miss what is everywhere."
"Very strange," the old whale agreed. "Doesn't it remind you of fish who say they're thirsty?” 


― Michael Jackson.

Phone Call.

Go out of your mind

into the beat of my drum; grind.

Serenade me with your bird song

Rhythmic electric echoes and bass riffs; strong.

You shed my skin and it burns with a fiery passion

My locks and your chatter

You are my space of fascination, body of entertainment

The breathy, pleasurable..silent dance.

Your secrets; sublime

and it's really a crying shame; a crime

I'm taken by your seductive word of slander

your voice thick and heavy

why it broke, I wonder.

In the presence of lust, swallowing his breath; I was merely a pair in the crowd.

Red.

You.

You. Again.
Sigh.

Who are you? Did I ever know you?
What was it?
Is this it? The end?
Where does this leave me?
Just..

..

We met, talked, laughed...loved. How we loved each other. You know it, I know it.


I believe one day you'll see.

Your silver-cut heart was the subject of my interest.

Your sweet, sharp tongue was the death of me.


Ignoring all the shitty complications, it was only essentially; love.
Time was our evidence. It was inevitable, really.
You were my home..my shelter.


If I had listened, if you had spoken..

Devilish pride.

Don’t waste your time grossly consumed in the search for meaning; choose to resist those petty emotions, trade up for dizzying distractions, sex and drugs – happiness is naive, so instead let’s satisfy that satanic ego.

If I'm Dora, then where the hell's my damn map?

Hi.
So...I haven't blogged in a while huh? Haa.
Well, nothing much, really.

I miss you...not quite..

Sigh.

Who did I say I was again?

Distraction.

Strobe lights in the dark and traitors.

"If you lead I'll follow"

Muse + Black coffee.

Everybody loves the dark but fears the admittance.

Under all this noise; you lost me.

PASSION [I don't give a fuck.] vs. LOVE?

Interlude of insanity.

Good + Bad = Hurt (pure evil.)

Repeated hits - Kiss with a fist.

Seeing is NOT believing.

Actions DON'T speak louder than words.

You can't forgive yourself.

Moan and scream, because masochism feels good.

Crazy inconclusion.

Kick.

Everyone wants something to watch; I'm your vision.

Effortless.

Helpless.

Whisper.

Hunger.

Stupidity.

Intentions --> Good/bad? [You want me to be good.]

But.

Question: Manipulation or Honesty? Sincerity or Sarcasm?

Analyse my consistency.

Confusion is key.

You beggar.

Diving or drowning?

Good not to know, worse to guess.

Personally, I'll even make it easy for you.

No mercy.

Curvy.

Sharp.

Bent.

Some people just wanna watch the world burn - I'm one of them.

Hurt + Punch lines = Fun

Weird.

I'm not your angel; not your confused, classified, lying plea.

Mockery.

No closure.

No comfort.

Unforgettable.

Don't try to understand me, just simply do the things I say - now and without question.

Special.

Climax.

Silence.

Clarity.

Noise.

The desire to hate.

Free.

Haunting.

Inconsistence.

Cringe.

One-shot.

Final say.

Doubt.

Fast.

So wrong for so long.

Bass.

Snatched.

You never had me and you never will.

Everything about you is so easy to love.

You're my Muse..bitch.

You're somethin' beautiful; a contradiction.

Because the devil always wins; she's got glossy eyes and a shot gun aimed at your chest.

Killed your inspiration.

Best you'll ever have.

Sex.

Fear?

Pink, doe eyed and dangerous.

Dance with me and I'll turn your blessed memories cursed.

Satisfy me - insatiable.

Sneaky.

Precious.

Delicate.

Fragile.

Beautiful.

Hopelessly.

Perverted.

Observing.

Dare.

No bliss, no light.

Desire.

Childish tantrum.

Trapped.

Show him the edge; make him jump as you watch.

Alone.

Awe.

Innocence.

Passion.

You want.

Blame yourself.

Bee sting.

Silenced.

Unrecognized.

Sure?

Dig the wounds.

Question.

Lost.

Amounts to nothing.

No redemption.

Broken - smile.

Weep.

No right, no light.

No pay-off.

I'm not drowning; I don't need your saving.

Hit me harder..I dare you. I know you won't. Why? Cause you love me.

No sweet surrender. The end. Coward. No saving you, you're a goner. Neither distance, nor time will ever be your saviour. Anger spits upon you. Resistance. Humour me, put up a fight. Stop your moaning. You fool. nobody. Robbed. Deserted. Trust me? I'll make you. Spiralling. Deafening? Defeat me. Harder. I need more. Pull my hair, tease me, please me, show me, prove to me your worth. Power? No. Going nowhere. No volume. Louder! Why dont'cha.. Can't get enough. Mean your hurt, I dare you. Move me, shake me. Entice me with your lies; charm me with more than you're worth. Worthless pleas. Betrayed denial. Why? I see you strain. My doll, my slave. No different. Dread.Convince me. You can't look away. Tease me, please me. You spread yourself too thin. Your lies are transparent. Yes, I enjoy this. My secret.Disgust. Oops. Collateral damage. He can do it better. You're laughable.

-ZIMBABWE

Metallica.

It's just been 10 days and I'm dying. Fuck.

Metamorphosis.

ABC..Easy as 123..Simple as Do Re Mi (Now you're singing it.)

Hi.

Anger, Boredom, Crying, Dead, Energy, Fuck, God, Hate, Ida, Jerk, Kick, Love, Mine, No, One, Passion, Quarell, Right, Stranger, Trust, Unique, Very, Wonderful, Ex, Why, Zimbabwe.

Fuck you too, bye.

Untitled.

Staring at the screen, I wish I knew what to say. And I'm a writer, ironic isn't it? Tell me about it.

I love and miss you grandma.

Hard.

Let me in, catch me.

Excerpt.

It was cruel how the night was so dark, so quiet; no light, just unfathomable fright. Lying paralysed on the bed, Iyda couldn't decide whether or not to open her eyes. Her heart beat far too hard, far too fast; she was suffocating as she hyperventilated. Her blood felt raw, the air was freezing; cold was circulating in her mindless meat suit.

Her hot tears warmed her delicate facial skin which felt like a mask. Iyda bit her lip to hide her chattering teeth. She covered her ears; the silence was deafening. Iyda refused the desperate impulse to look up and scream.

"Why...WHY?!" It was pointless, no one had the answers.

A sound of contained pain escaped those lips. Her neck was stiff, she felt like there was an ice cube in her throat. Iyda remembered craving a Vodka’s burning quench. The cold flowed to her slumped, shuddering shoulders, down to her stiff arms that end in fingers which clawed into the sheets; feeling the cold, searching for a familiar story. In the dead of the night, she searched for something to calm her lonely, screaming heart.

Iyda dared a peep out the window; the howling gray sky engulfed the moon and the stars; the only ones who had watched her vessel desperately dance attune to her famished heart. It was evil how the gray sky threatened to rain; teasing Iyda with anticipation which only translated to pure agony as the hum of nature's shower hadn't graced her ears, hadn't opened her flood gates. The floor mocked her foreign feet. The walls didn't respect her privacy; they judgmentally intruded into her thoughts. Iyda walked through the open doors.

His presence confused, distracted, perplexed her. The darkness made him an unfamiliar sketch. Iyda stared closely at Alfie; mindlessly listening to their breathing sounds, observing the careless placement of his hair and overlapping shadows, noted the honesty he seemed to possess.

In the deep of the night, the frightening wind swayed her, made her whimper and moan. Blinded and lost, it was incomprehensible how Iyda seemed to appreciate Alfie's lazy breathing. Seated on the arm of the sofa Alfie was asleep on, they were an awkward picture of yellow and blue.

Iyda watched her legs dangle. She envisioned a bridge and whispered

"Freefall."

She thought of how she would close the door, look her nightmares in their eyes and know not what to feel.

The fuck I bear not - You.

Hello

I know, I knoww, I haven't blogged in a while, but I'm blogging now am I not?[not that anyone reads this shit anyway.]

I hate to admit it, but you..you made me who I am today. You taught me what I needed to learn. I'll still remember your touch. You're beautiful, you are. I wish I knew you better; I wish I was part of the world you live in, we could've made our own world. I need you to know that I love you and I'm nothing without you. If I said I care, would you want more?

Finally, you; I'm too much, I know. I can't help it. But do you remember the silence?When we just stared at each other? Remember that, remember how you felt and compare it to the accusations you throw upon me now. Remember cause for better and for worse, I won't forget.

Not everything is about you.

It's us against the world.

We'll let our hair down and wipe the perspiration off each other's fore head and stare into each other's eyes and we'll smile and we'll take lovely pictures of our faces; awaken, adored and caressed. Lips you'll never taste; sweetness you'll never know of.We'll bite and you'll never get to fill my cavity they way they do, Oh how we'll pull, knead, push, scratch, join, part. How you won't get to feed my burning hunger. How you'll never love me the distance to the moon and back.

And if you're wondering which parts were about you, this one's for you:
(not that you'll ever know for sure.)

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of which has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current and let me slip away - Vindicated.

love, you're in pieces
there's no one left to lay you down
or say it's okay
on the worst night
of the worst year that we might fall
we'll go out punching

you hit me like a subway train
and i will never be the same
and darling i'll follow you down to the ground
even when you fall apart
i'll pick up your bloodstained heart
and darling i'll follow you down to the ground

Good day.

Insomnia.Communication.Down.On.You'll never be ready.Transit.Home.

Who are you? Do I know you? Did I know you? What do you do? Time; 3 years from now and it still wouldn't make a difference. Where do I stand?

Why?

You'll never know what I do, see what I do, never understand. Never feel. Could you ever look into my eyes again? You and your cruel humor.